Costumes You Can't Wear

It recently came to my attention that non-Polynesian children dressing up as their favorite seafaring non-princess Moana are guilty of offensive cultural appropriation. Distraught, I told my daughter she would have to wear something else, and turned to the next costume dress in her closet.

Her favorite dress is Aurora. But wait - Sleeping Beauty? She's European. French, German, or Italian, depending on who you ask. While our family has some German heritage, we aren't primarily French or Italian. "Sorry, girlie, you had better stay awake."

"Okay, no biggie. What about Snow White, or the Evil Queen? Even Evie? You like Snow White." These characters have their roots in German fairy tales based on actual historical events. Now the last thing I want is to appropriate German culture, but we may have enough German heritage to be safe. However, there is every indication that the seven dwarves are references to child laborers in the copper mines. I for one don't think it's funny to make light of child labor, so we'll be staying away from this one altogether.

Well, great. Just great. "Okay, what about Rapunzel? You love Rapunzel, right?" Oh, nope - sorry kid. She's based on a German fairytale, true. But that tale is a retelling of an Italian story. The Italian story is lifted from a Persian epic poem and mixed with a smattering of proto-Indo-European sun-goddess mythology. So lose the long blonde wig, and drop that frying pan. "No floating lights for you."

Pivot to Cinderella. A classic. Surely we're safe with Cinderella, right? Cinderella is a beloved folk tale. I bet you thought she was French? Think again! The earliest version of this story is about a Greek prostitute living in Egypt. "Darling, are you a Greek immersed in Egyptian culture?" I didn't think so. Also, why would you want to dress up like a prostitute?

What about Belle? Good old beautiful Belle. Well, Beauty and the Beast is based on a French fairytale. We aren't French, so we'd just be offending beautiful French women everywhere.

Man, this is harder than I expected. Okay, Ariel. Everyone loves mermaids. No one can claim exclusive rights to mermaid culture, can they? Ahem. The first mermaids appear in ancient Assyrian literature, but Ariel is actually Atlantican - and her character was originally written by a Danish author. I'm just not comfortable appropriating a character from Danish culture who was in turn appropriated from the proud ancient Assyrians, while simultaneously rubbing salt in the wounds of the poor late citizens of the lost city of Atlantis. Not in this day and age.

Oh, man, who's left? Jasmine? Nope - she's from a fictional Arabic / West Asian country. We aren't Iraqi, so it's probably not ok.

Uh, Pocahontas? This isn't difficult. If you aren't a Native American from the Powhatan tribe, don't even think about it.

Mulan? She was a Chinese warrior woman. Sorry honey, unless you are also Chinese, dressing up as Mulan is a big no-no.

Okay, now you'd think Tiana would obviously be out simply because my daughter is whiter than Snow White and Tiana is an African American from New Orleans. Not so fast, though. See, Disney's African American Tiana is an appropriation of a German fairytale character. But alas! In this case, it looks like my German ancestors may have built their folktale around Roman satirical jabs at emperor Nero. So sorry, even if we were African Americans from New Orleans, Tiana would still be off limits...

Wait, we're saved. Oh, man, how could I have forgotten Anna and Elsa? How obvious. "You're basically a straight-up Anna and Elsa clone!" Wait, though - the fictional kingdom of Arendelle is based on Norwegian culture - and Anna & Elsa are based on a Danish fairytale. We can't trace our roots to Norway or Denmark. "Sorry girl, you need to let it go."

Who else? Oh yes, Merida! She is a Scottish princess with amazing red hair. The majority of our family history is steeped in Celtic heritage! This is great! But wait - is wearing that curly red wig insensitive to the relative minority of people with naturally red hair? Risky. "Well, your mother is a redhead, so grab the bow and arrow, but we better have a backup costume, just in case." We're out of Disney princesses, though.

How about Hermione from Harry Potter? No, that won't work - she's a British character by a British author. Not to mention, pretending to be a witch would be offensive to actual witches. Plus as a Christian, we might offend other Christians, too.

What about a sheep? A cute, fluffy sheep? Jesus is the Good Shepherd, right? "Don't you have cute sheep pajamas?" Oh, but sheep originated in Persia. You can't just go out and appropriate Persian agricultural heritage.

"Uh, you have a unicorn headband, right? You could go as a magical unicorn." They're totally fictional, right? That has to be okay. Wrong again. The unicorn was first described by ancient Greek natural scientists recounting Persian tales of creatures reportedly found in India. Sorry, kiddo - you aren't from India, and we certainly aren't going to perpetuate the Greek appropriation of the Persian appropriation of Indian culture.

What about a cute Emoji? Well, those cute ubiquitous emotive symbols emerged from Japanese culture. We're not Japanese, so I guess going as an emoji is a big 👎

"Hey, what about Tinker Bell the fairy? You love Tink!" Hey, she's a character created by a Scottish author. Pretty good so far. Fairies originate in European folklore, but they can't be traced to a single point of origin! Strong presence in Celtic tradition. Not bad! Not bad at all. I think we may have just found our costume.

You know what - I've decided I'm not going to put too much thought into this. I mean, it's just a Halloween costume, right? My daughter isn't out there in blackface singing "Jump Jim Crow" - she's pretending to be a character she likes from a kid's movie. At least I'm not making the tragic faux pas of decorating with Calaveras (this year). Didn't you know? Those sugar skulls aren't for Halloween - they're for the Mexican celebration of the "Day of the Dead." Dia de Los Muertos evolved separately from Halloween - with roots in ancient Aztec culture. Originally celebrated at the start of summer, the date gradually changed to coincide with All Saints Day and Halloween, but I grew up in Latin America - I know better than to make the mistake of confusing the two.

Actually, I have more right to celebrate Halloween than most. See, I was born on October 31st. Halloween has its roots in my Celtic culture's harvest festivals. My early Church brothers appropriated these pagan festivals and Halloween emerged as a time to remember dead saints and the faithful departed. Soon, children melded the Christian custom of "souling" with my Germanic traditional "mumming" and my Celtic traditional "guising" - and "Trick or Treat" was born. All of my forefathers mixed and matched each other's cultures in a big ole' melting-pot so that I could have a big costume party for my birthday every year.

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