The Princess Limerick​

There was a young boy who was ill
And his grandfather brought, not a pill,
But a story to read
To his grandson in need
Full of sword-fights and magic and thrills.

It begins on a countryside farm
Where a stable boy’s muscle and charm
Woo a beautiful girl
And they kiss - please don’t hurl -
‘Til at sea the young man comes to harm.

Now the maiden is promised to wed
Florin’s prince, though it fills her with dread
So she goes for a ride
With no guard by her side
Just to ponder things, and clear her head.

But then bandits make off with the maid
Planning Gilder to frame with the raid.
They set sail for the sea
And she tries to get free
But the screeching eels stop her, dismayed.

Now the bandits soon notice a tail
So a perilous cliff face they scale
But the man in the mask
Keeps right on gaining fast -
Cut the rope off, yet still, he prevails.

So Vizzini devises a plan
To defeat the mysterious man
First, a Spaniard who kills
With unparalleled skills,
Then a giant to fight hand to hand.

When the masked man proves skillful and fit
He’s soon faced with a battle of wit
But he poisons both cups
And when both men drink up
Vizzini has his last laughing fit.

Now the girl shoves the man in a rage
“As you wish!” he shouts, tumbling away
And she realizes then
no dread pirate he’d been,
But her farm-boy, sweet Westley, she’s saved.

They smooch, then discover they’re sought
By Humperdinck and his foul lot,
So they flee to the swamp
For a perilous romp
Though quicksand, and fire, and rot,

And rodents of unusual size…
And they barely escape with their lives.
When they exit the trees
They are ambushed and seized,
And poor Buttercup begs as she cries.

But an Albino under a tree
Tortures Westley with a machine
In the pit of despair
There are screams in the air
’Til the bandits come and set him free.

Vizzini had been hired, we find,
By Prince Humperdink, out of his mind.
War with Gilder, his angle.
The Princess he will strangle,
It’s all part of his dark design.

Now the Spaniard and giant make tracks
To the hovel of Miracle Max
Westley’s just mostly dead
‘Cause it’s “True Love” he said,
And they need him to plan their attack.

At the gatehouse, they put on a ruse
While the clergyman filled up the pews:
“Mawidge.” Say “man and wife!”
Holocaust cloak alight,
“Oh you mean this gate key,” and they’re through.

Inigo finds the six-fingered cad
Who had long ago murdered his dad
He slashed at his eyes,
And said “Prepare to die”
And ended the sword fight with a stab.

The Prince thought that Westley was lame
While he explained the phrase “To the Pain”
Then he started to stand
With his sword in his hand,
And the Prince gave up, lest he be maimed.

So together they rode out of sight
Four companions in silver moonlight
Noble swordsman from Spain,
Giant, Westley, and dame,
And four glorious horses of white

Now it’s time for the boy to turn in
As his grandfather’s storybook ends
With a tip of his hat
And a key-searching pat,
“As you wish,” and we think, “Oh, it’s him!”